icebluenothing: (Default)
So I've always been fond of the Barenaked Ladies' song If I Had $1000000, ever since [livejournal.com profile] kaneda_khan first told me about hearing it in a record store, being charmed by it, and buying the album, long before the band made it big in the States.

But listening to the lyrics always made me wonder:

Could you really buy all that stuff for a million dollars? That's not really that much money any more, is it?

I decided to find out.

---

"If I had a million dollars
I'd buy you a house"

Okay, if I'm going to buy you a house, it's going to be a house right here in Shoreline, so I can visit you often, so you can put all thoughts of a nice little cottage on the French Riviera right out of your head, to start with. After a little browsing, I've decided I'll buy you this house, for a cool $319,950.

"I'd buy you furniture for your house
(Maybe a nice chesterfield or an ottoman)"

Why choose? Here's a nice Chesterfield Ottoman in burgundy leather, a reproduction of a Victorian piece, for just $639.95.

"Well, I'd buy you a K-Car
(A nice Reliant automobile)"

Well, according to this nice little review on Epinions.com, I could probably pick up a 1985 Plymouth Reliant 'K' car for $600. (They're supposed to be good little cars, too.)

"I'd build a tree fort in our yard"
This great little FAQ on treehouses tells me that all the supplies to build a really decent one will set me back about $1000. Sounds about right ....

"Maybe we could put like a little tiny fridge in there somewhere"
Those are easy enough to come by. Here's one from OfficeMax for $109.99.

"There would already be laid out foods for us
Like little pre-wrapped sausages and things"

Maybe it's declassé of me, but this makes me think of a Hickory Farms assortment. The one I've linked to is just $19.99.

"Well, I'd buy you a fur coat
(But not a real fur coat that's cruel)"

Did you know even the fake ones are expensive? Even this Faux White Mink Serape Coat is going to cost $395. I'm having second thoughts about all this, you know.

"Well, I'd buy you an exotic pet
(Yep, like a llama or an emu)"

These are cheaper than I thought they'd be, actually. I can get you a llama from this site for just $500. I thought at first I might need to buy you more than one, though -- the site also says, "Remember llamas are herd animals and they need companionship from other llamas. Don't buy a llama from someone who will sell you a single llama, if you don't already have llamas, unless the llama is going into a guard position." But then I realized a "guard position" would be fine -- it can guard that house I'm buying you.

"Well, I'd buy you John Merrick's remains
(Ooh, all them crazy elephant bones)"

I'm afraid that's out of the question. John Merrick's remains have been at the Royal London Hospital, since his death. Not even rich wacko Michael Jackson has been able to convince the hospital to part with them, so I don't think I'd manage it on my paltry budget. Sorry, I hope you didn't have your heart set on this one. As a consolation, I'm getting you The Elephant Man on DVD for $17.99.

"We wouldn't have to walk to the store [...]
Now, we'd take a limousine 'cause it costs more"

True enough. Weirdly, though, I can't find many limousine rental places that are willing to list their rates -- they want you to contact them for a quote. But this page of limousine rental tips tells me I can expect to spend at least $100 when renting one for a couple of hours. Close enough.

"But we would eat Kraft Dinner [...]
And buy really expensive ketchups with it"

Kraft Dinner is too cheap for me to even bother looking up the price, but I was curious about what constitutes an "expensive ketchup." The most expensive one I could find was Steel's Gourmet Ketchup, for $6.89. (I'd be remiss here if I didn't mention the teaspoon of ketchup that cost Heinz half a million dollars, but I think we'll stick with the Steel's.)

"Well, I'd buy you a green dress
(But not a real green dress, that's cruel)"

This one nearly stumped me, I'll admit. Until I found this Mock Dress with 3/4 Sleeves, available in Hunter Green, for just $25.50.

"Well, I'd buy you some art
(A Picasso or a Garfunkel)"

I can't buy you Art Garfunkel, obviously, due to those pesky slavery laws. Besides, he'd probably just sit around the house all day bothering your llama and eating all your Kraft Dinner. That leaves the Picasso.

I didn't really think I could get you a real Picasso, frankly, not on this measly budget. I mean, Les Noces de Pierrette was sold for over 50 million, and that was in 1989. But then I read about this auction, where they sold prints and ceramics. (He made more than 2,400 prints during his life, you know.) The cheapest lots went for £1,000, so let's assume I could get you a little something for about $2,000.

"Well, I'd buy you a monkey
(Haven't you always wanted a monkey)"

Sure, who doesn't? This page has a cute little baby girl Capuchin monkey for $6,500.

"If I had a million dollars
I'd be rich"

Well -- not really. Not after I've blown $331,865.31 on you. Admittedly, that means I'd still have $668,134.69 to play around with ....

Until April 15th, mind you.

icebluenothing: (Default)
Okay, now see, here's exactly what I'm talking about:

I'm sitting at a stop light, see, and the car next to me is apparently a Mustang Bullitt. Not that I can recognize such minutiae, mind you, but its little chrome logos are prominently visible. With me so far?

So, this car also sports a custom license plate frame. One that reads, and I quote:

MUSTANG
BULLITT

My question, then, that I submit to you, Gentle Reader, is this:

What kind of slack-jawed, knuckle-dragging, slope-browed, mouth-breathing, quadruple-Y-chromosomed miscreant troglodyte would not only wrap up so much of his self-image in what kind of car he drives, not only be so needle-dicked insecure about it that he fears you might miss the fact, but is additionally so genuinely, heartbreakingly banal as to be unable to come up with anything to say about his pride-and-joy beyond the make-and-model that's already stamped on the goddamn car?

For Chrissake's, this makes "I'd rather be shopping at Nordstrom's" look like a heartfelt missive to the world.

Trapped.

Jul. 25th, 2003 02:05 pm
icebluenothing: (Default)
It is becoming increasingly evident year upon heartbreaking year that the ships are not coming to take me home and I am, in fact, stuck here with all you batshitcrazy naked monkeys.

Boom!

Jul. 22nd, 2003 02:25 pm
icebluenothing: (Default)
Today's Fun Science Fact (clip and save!):

A can of Diet Coke, if dropped from approximately chest-level, will, in fact, explode, and with surprising force.

Try this at home! (Of course, if you do, I suggest you own a mop. Which I don't.)

icebluenothing: (Default)
So what on earth are you supposed to do when you feel terribly lonely and thoroughly sick of people at the same time?

Janis.

May. 10th, 2003 10:49 pm
icebluenothing: (Default)
So toward the end of [livejournal.com profile] treebyleaf's lovely outdoor party, I saw treebyleaf wandering by in her bright shawl, her crown of flowers, and a little oval pair of sunglasses she'd borrowed from [livejournal.com profile] retcon. I stopped dead and stared.

"Do you realize you look just like Janis Joplin right now?" I asked her.

"Yeah, someone already said that," she said, waving a hand back toward the larger group still at the picnic tables.

"Oh? Who?"

She sighed gently and smiled. " . . . Everyone."

Birds.

Apr. 10th, 2003 04:39 pm
icebluenothing: (Default)
So the other day I drop by the Lake City apartment. I'm nearly to the front door when suddenly -- *thud!* -- a dead pigeon falls to the ground to my right. Chest torn open.

Yuck! What the hell?

My head turns, I follow a blur of motion, and up in the tree, just a couple of yards away, is a hawk. Just sitting there, looking at me with unworried patience, waiting for me to leave so it can eat.

In the space of a second, my reaction swings from revulsion to awe and respect.

---

I've seen raptors alongside highways, or displayed at zoos, or shown off by the occasional proud owner.

But I never knew they were real.

Disposal.

Sep. 24th, 2002 12:27 pm
icebluenothing: (Default)
So I mentioned before that I'd picked up my parents' dead television with the promise that I'd dispose of it somehow.

See, it was a fairly large TV, and they couldn't even manage to get it downstairs and outside. They couldn't find anyone they could pay to come and get the damn thing, either, so they asked me, and I said sure.

They figured I could take it to the dump, but frankly, to me, that sounded like too much trouble.

I put it in the back of my truck and just left it there. I figured that if I drove around with it just sitting there, unguarded, for long enough, someone would probably just steal it.

Someone has.

I'm very amused.

Sunblock.

Aug. 16th, 2002 12:31 pm
icebluenothing: (Default)
So I was at the grocery store and I noticed a small tube of Barbie™ brand sunblock. Pediatrician approved. I hadn't known there was such a thing as sunblock specifically for preadolescent girls. Then I noticed another selling point: "Burstin' Cherry Scent!"

.... I have no words.

FAQ.

Jun. 28th, 2002 06:49 pm
icebluenothing: (Default)
Frequently Asked Questions:

Are you going to eat that?
What time is it?
Spare change?
Does this dress make me look fat?
Have you lost weight?
Would you like fries with that?
How are you?
Anything good on TV?
Where were you last night?
Where are we going?
When do we get there?
Has the bus gone by yet?
Do you have any aspirin?
Can I bum a cigarette off you?
When's dinner?
Do you mean it?
Who's your Daddy?
What did you go and do that for?
What were you thinking?
So, you seeing anyone?
Nice boots.
Do you have this in an extra-large?
Have you seen my keys?
Did that hurt?
What do you mean?
Are you trying to be funny?
Do you think they heard us?
VISA or Mastercard?
Paper or plastic?
Regular or decaf?
Why?

icebluenothing: (Default)
Last time, you'll recall, I reported seeing eight police cars outside the Jack in the Box at 85th and Aurora.

Tonight, it was four police cars, outside the Jack in the Box up here at 185th and Aurora.

From these data, I infer that Jack in the Box is, in fact, a veritable hotbed of criminal activity.

icebluenothing: (Default)
You probably think this post is about you.

Drum.

Jan. 22nd, 2002 03:57 pm
icebluenothing: (Default)
I don't really remember where we bought it. Pier One Imports or someplace like it. [livejournal.com profile] treebyleaf had been wanting a drum, and we were both really taken with this one, so I bought it for the both of us. It's a deep metal bowl, leather stretched thin across the top, wicker hand-woven in a net-like pattern along the bottom, proof it was crafted by the honest, simple, hard-working indigenous peoples of wherever.

Sometimes the drum stays at my place; usually it's at hers, where there isn't a cat who might snag a nail or two into the top of it or chew the wicker handles off.

Saturday night, I was at a party, and I ended up hiding in a bedroom. Too many people, and too many popping balloons, going off every few minutes like gunshots. I was a nervous wreck and trying to keep from having an anxiety attack.

I noticed that drumming on things seemed to be calming me, a little. Drumming on balloons, ironically enough. Drumming on the cat. Whatever was in reach. I commented on this to treebyleaf and she was determined to send our drum home with me.

Last night, going back to bed for the last time, I remembered this and hauled out the drum and dragged it into bed with me. Curled up around it and tapped it with my fingers. Felt absurdly comforted.

I had to smile in the dark when I realized what I'd made here, with all these blankets and this drum. My own little womb, complete with heartbeat.

Blue.

Jan. 3rd, 2002 10:01 pm
icebluenothing: (Default)
What idiot in marketing thought blue Saran Wrap was a good idea -- ? Every time I open the refrigerator, I keep glancing down at a bowl of leftovers that is a shade way beyond moldy and think to myself, "Screaming Jesus! I thought I just cleaned out the refrigerator -- !"

Tree.

Dec. 13th, 2001 05:38 pm
icebluenothing: (Default)
Someone in their apartment far across the courtyard is struggling with their Christmas tree, trying to get it upright and straight.

Only I can't see them -- they're on the other side of the tree. All I see is the tree itself, struggling and wriggling and straining and contorting.

Believe me when I say it's a very strange image.

Pizza.

Nov. 6th, 2001 04:31 pm
icebluenothing: (Default)
I just noticed that my frozen pizza box reads:

"KEEP FROZEN   COOK THOROUGHLY"

. . . I feel I must point out that these two goals are mutually exclusive.

icebluenothing: (Default)
I love accidental cooking.

"Jeez, I better throw something together for dinner. Let's see -- can of black beans, can of navy beans, can of corn. Sure. Hmm. That's a little boring. Oh, here's a packet of taco seasoning. Weird, but sure, why not, that'll give it some flavor. Hmmm, what other spices do I have? Red pepper, chili powder, all right, into the pot. Oh, wait, don't I have some fresh tomatoes from Dad's garden? Okay, this is looking pretty good ... "

*taste*

"Wait a minute. This is chili, isn't it .... ?"

icebluenothing: (Default)
I was finding this song oddly comforting on my way home while listening to it on the radio, until I suddenly thought, "What's comforting about hearing `I will survive' sung by a man who died of a heart attack at 53?"

icebluenothing: (Default)
I just stepped outside to get out of the house for a while. I was wearing a black tank-top, black denim cutoffs, and black sandals, an outfit that -- to be honest -- I'd probably wear every day for the rest of my life if I could get away with it. ("Dinner with the Pope tonight? Sure, let me change into my good tank-top.")

And it was cold! When did that happen? Yesterday was damn hot, and now today, even though it's still just as sunny, I find myself unseasonably dressed. Hmmmph. Came back in just long enough to change (and complain), and now I'm off to the U-District in the hopes that used copy of American Gods I saw at Twice Sold Tales might still be there. I spotted it there back on the 10th, and for some reason I've been a little distracted about going back to pick it up. Go figure.

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