Millionaire.

[icebluenothing]

So I've always been fond of the Barenaked Ladies' song If I Had $1000000, ever since kaneda_khan first told me about hearing it in a record store, being charmed by it, and buying the album, long before the band made it big in the States.

But listening to the lyrics always made me wonder:

Could you really buy all that stuff for a million dollars? That's not really that much money any more, is it?

I decided to find out.

---

"If I had a million dollars
I'd buy you a house"
Okay, if I'm going to buy you a house, it's going to be a house right here in Shoreline, so I can visit you often, so you can put all thoughts of a nice little cottage on the French Riviera right out of your head, to start with. After a little browsing, I've decided I'll buy you this house, for a cool $319,950.

"I'd buy you furniture for your house
(Maybe a nice chesterfield or an ottoman)"
Why choose? Here's a nice Chesterfield Ottoman in burgundy leather, a reproduction of a Victorian piece, for just $639.95.

"Well, I'd buy you a K-Car
(A nice Reliant automobile)"
Well, according to this nice little review on Epinions.com, I could probably pick up a 1985 Plymouth Reliant 'K' car for $600. (They're supposed to be good little cars, too.)

"I'd build a tree fort in our yard"
This great little FAQ on treehouses tells me that all the supplies to build a really decent one will set me back about $1000. Sounds about right ....

"Maybe we could put like a little tiny fridge in there somewhere"
Those are easy enough to come by. Here's one from OfficeMax for $109.99.

"There would already be laid out foods for us
Like little pre-wrapped sausages and things"
Maybe it's declassé of me, but this makes me think of a Hickory Farms assortment. The one I've linked to is just $19.99.

"Well, I'd buy you a fur coat
(But not a real fur coat that's cruel)"
Did you know even the fake ones are expensive? Even this Faux White Mink Serape Coat is going to cost $395. I'm having second thoughts about all this, you know.

"Well, I'd buy you an exotic pet
(Yep, like a llama or an emu)"
These are cheaper than I thought they'd be, actually. I can get you a llama from this site for just $500. I thought at first I might need to buy you more than one, though -- the site also says, "Remember llamas are herd animals and they need companionship from other llamas. Don't buy a llama from someone who will sell you a single llama, if you don't already have llamas, unless the llama is going into a guard position." But then I realized a "guard position" would be fine -- it can guard that house I'm buying you.

"Well, I'd buy you John Merrick's remains
(Ooh, all them crazy elephant bones)"
I'm afraid that's out of the question. John Merrick's remains have been at the Royal London Hospital, since his death. Not even rich wacko Michael Jackson has been able to convince the hospital to part with them, so I don't think I'd manage it on my paltry budget. Sorry, I hope you didn't have your heart set on this one. As a consolation, I'm getting you The Elephant Man on DVD for $17.99.

"We wouldn't have to walk to the store [...]
Now, we'd take a limousine 'cause it costs more"
True enough. Weirdly, though, I can't find many limousine rental places that are willing to list their rates -- they want you to contact them for a quote. But this page of limousine rental tips tells me I can expect to spend at least $100 when renting one for a couple of hours. Close enough.

"But we would eat Kraft Dinner [...]
And buy really expensive ketchups with it"
Kraft Dinner is too cheap for me to even bother looking up the price, but I was curious about what constitutes an "expensive ketchup." The most expensive one I could find was Steel's Gourmet Ketchup, for $6.89. (I'd be remiss here if I didn't mention the teaspoon of ketchup that cost Heinz half a million dollars, but I think we'll stick with the Steel's.)

"Well, I'd buy you a green dress
(But not a real green dress, that's cruel)"
This one nearly stumped me, I'll admit. Until I found this Mock Dress with 3/4 Sleeves, available in Hunter Green, for just $25.50.

"Well, I'd buy you some art
(A Picasso or a Garfunkel)"
I can't buy you Art Garfunkel, obviously, due to those pesky slavery laws. Besides, he'd probably just sit around the house all day bothering your llama and eating all your Kraft Dinner. That leaves the Picasso.

I didn't really think I could get you a real Picasso, frankly, not on this measly budget. I mean, Les Noces de Pierrette was sold for over 50 million, and that was in 1989. But then I read about this auction, where they sold prints and ceramics. (He made more than 2,400 prints during his life, you know.) The cheapest lots went for £1,000, so let's assume I could get you a little something for about $2,000.

"Well, I'd buy you a monkey
(Haven't you always wanted a monkey)"
Sure, who doesn't? This page has a cute little baby girl Capuchin monkey for $6,500.

"If I had a million dollars
I'd be rich"
Well -- not really. Not after I've blown $331,865.31 on you. Admittedly, that means I'd still have $668,134.69 to play around with ....

Until April 15th, mind you.

Comments

Funniest Post of The Week

[lovecraftcomplex]

This was too funny. I almost bust a gut when you got to the Mock Dress. Excellent job! :)

[ilion.livejournal.com]

This is why we love you.

On the other hand, they might have been thinking about $1 million Canadian. But then you can find some pretty nice houses around here for much less than the price you quoted, even before exchange, so it probably all works out.

[calandria.livejournal.com]

Six, you were really bored, wern't you?

[songhawk.livejournal.com]

Now *this* shows why the web is so fun - for almost any information-seeking question of the form "can I ... on the web?" the answer is heck, yeah......

It reminds me of lyrics to another song:

"Is it any wonder I've got too much
time on my hands
It's ticking away with my sanity
I've got too much time on my hands
It's hard to believe such a calamity
I've got too much time on my hands
and it's ticking away, ticking away
from me
(Too much time on my hands)
It's tick tick tick tick ticking away
(Too much time on my hands)
And I don't know what to do with myself
(Too much time on my hands)"

Too Much Time on My Hands (http://www.lyricsdepot.com/styx/too-much-time-on-my-hands.html), by Styx

and don't forget...

[staxxy.livejournal.com]

there will be gift tax on all of those as well. ;)

And, btw - they do not specify *which* Picasso...

Paloma does a lovely scent, very artistic -

http://everycomfort.com/fw.html?item=PALOMA+PICASSO+by+Paloma+Picasso

but you forgot....

[lara7.livejournal.com]

That's 1 million CANADIAN dollars. Which I think is worth approximately $6967.12 American.

seriously, great post.

mmm

[roobug.livejournal.com]

excellent!

[m-cobweb.livejournal.com]

1) That's the cutest thing I've read in a long time.

2) You really do need a hobby, don't you?

[imsosquare.livejournal.com]

Wuv... Twoo wuv....

[artvixn.livejournal.com]

*sigh* I'm probably the only person on the planet that gets depressed when they hear that song.

-but not a real green dress, that's cruel....

[cithra.livejournal.com]

Have I told you lately that you're brilliant? I have to share this with the friend who introduced me to the song (via karaoke, of all things)...