Rebooting.

[icebluenothing]

Six months ago:

My health and energy levels almost completely collapse. I had been spending most of my days off in bed because I couldn't make myself care about anything long enough to stay awake for it. The answer finally turns out to be buproprion, an atypical antidepressant. After spending a couple of weeks as a batshit-insane, impatient, hyper-lucid speed freak, my neurochemistry levels off and settles down to a perfectly functional level.

___________
Three months ago, almost to the day:

I quit my job. This is kind of a big deal; I've been working there off and on (but mostly on) for about four years now. (I don't really want to go into my reasons for leaving, but you can ask me privately off-line, if you like.)

I'm sure I'll be able to find another job easily enough, and in I do manage to keep myself focussed and actively looking better than I have in the past, but it's still fairly spotty. Bursts of frenetic activity interspersed with periods of apathy and despair, and occasional stretches of being "almost sure" I'm going to get some particular job, and therefore not really looking for any others.

I keep busy. I go on several interviews, most of them with recruiters rather than directly with companies. I work on a ton of websites. Aware that what I laughably call my "savings" won't last forever, I start building steampunk toy gun mods, with the intention of selling them on eBay. They look great, but I entirely fail to follow through with this.

___________
Two-and-a-half months ago:

Thanks to wendolen (I owe you dinner for this), I land a one-shot paying gig -- building a demo version of a hush-hush new project from the guys who launched Manifesto Games. Knowing that I'm at least doing something that will eventually generate income isn't quite as nice as, you know, actually having money, but it does help to keep my spirits up.

___________
Two months ago:

Months of unpaid electricity bills catch up to me, and the power to SIXBOX gets shut off. Aside from a few scattered nights spent at home in my very dark condo, I practically live with Ahna and Lars from that point on.

___________
Two weeks ago:

I run out of money completely. I survive by selling off some books and some CDs, scrounging together every tiny bit of spare change I have, and eating mostly ramen and peanut butter sandwiches. (In fact, I've been eating a lot less in general for the past couple of months, and it's starting to show -- I've lost something like twenty pounds. Poverty apparently agrees with me.)

Friends start asking me, couldn't you ask your mother for money? Yeah, I'm sure I could. That's not really the point. I'm not going to be able to rely on her to rescue me forever; I have to teach myself that actions have consequences.

I start relying on Ahna using her credit cards -- since I don't have any -- to pay off the bills I can't ignore, like the phone and car insurance, with the promise that I will pay her back as soon as the check from Manifesto Games arrives. Ahna continues to be patient and loving and generally entirely awesome.

___________
Last week:

I have my second interview with a company called CourtTrax. They have a web service that provides real-time searches of court records, which sounds to me like a good match with my experience. Like the first interview, it goes extremely well.

___________
The very next day:

They offer me the job. I accept. Go take a long, last look at their website -- completely redesigning it will be one of my first tasks. I'll be making three-and-a-half times the amount I was making at Blue Utopia. I'll have full coverage -- medical, dental and vision.

___________
Four days ago:

I wrap things up with the Manifesto Games project and send them an invoice.

___________
Tomorrow:

My first day at CourtTrax.

I will have everything I need for my life to begin again.

Comments

[grace-batmonkey.livejournal.com]

!
Quite the transition, there!

But...ach! Six! We would gladly have floated you some dosh for foods and such! Especially since I love your web design and need a site built and it wouldn't have been unreasonable to send it as a consultation fee :D

Hurrah for save-your-ass luck! Hurrah for being given a new starting point! Hurrah for Beginning Life Again!

Hip, hip, hurrah! Hip, hip, hurrah! Hip, hip, HURRAAAAAAAHHHH!

(!)

[icebluenothing.livejournal.com]

We would gladly have floated you some dosh for foods and such!

Oh, I never doubted for a moment that if I asked, my friends would come through for me. But I didn't want to be rescued from that quarter, either. I wanted to keep telling myself, "Look, your life sucks right now, and it will continue to suck until you get off your ass and do something about it."

Especially since I love your web design and need a site built and it wouldn't have been unreasonable to send it as a consultation fee :D

Well, that's a different matter entirely -- that'd be honest work. *nod* Give me a couple of weeks to see how quickly I settle into the new job and how much free time it leaves me, and then let me know if you still need someone to work on a site for you or not.

Hurrah for save-your-ass luck!

.... Not that I want to jump on your case for saying that or anything, but I need to remember for my own sake that it had less to do with "luck" and more to do with continuing to get out there and make the effort. Otherwise, next time, I'll be waiting for luck to save me again. But thank you!

[grace-batmonkey.livejournal.com]

3. I believe we make our own luck, so that still works :) Focused effort + synchronicity, anyway.

2. I don't need a "someone"...I'm specifically interested in your abilities/sensibilities, if you end up with time. If you don't, though, I'm prepared for checking in with other folks and no worries.

1. It's just hard to think of friends/friendly acquaintances being hungry when we're not, that's all. Definitely understand making yourself get to the most basic level of functionality and then rocketing upward from there.

[icebluenothing.livejournal.com]

Focused effort + synchronicity [....]

... Is the definition of magic. Yeah.

I'm specifically interested in your abilities/sensibilities

Well, that's certainly nice to hear. I will definitely see what I can do to find the time.

It's just hard to think of friends/friendly acquaintances being hungry when we're not, that's all.

Yeah, I know it is -- that's why I didn't say anything until an end was in sight, because I didn't want people to worry. But I mean, it was never an emergency; I was eating much smaller meals, but I never had to skip and if it came down to it, I could always go to a food bank. I was eating three meals a day and had a roof over my head and Internet access, so I was all good.

[gwywnnydd.livejournal.com]

WOW.
You don't do shit by halves, do you?
I'm terribly sorry that your life has been deteriorating, but very hopeful that this'll jump-start you back into the swing of things ;).

Unrequested advice, do with as you see fit:
Live on the extremely small amount you've become accustomed to surviving on (kicked up enough to do things like pay the utility bills), until you pay off the back stuff. It's really easy to feel flush with a sudden pay jump (DAHMIK), and suddenly realize you've just elevated your expenses to match your income.

[bork.livejournal.com]

I would second this. If you haven't already, and when you can, set up a second savings account that is nonaccessible from an ATM, then put a little money in there each paycheck. Soon you'll have a cushion in case of emergencies, without the ability to (easily) dip into it for daily spending cash. I have that, and it's great.

[icebluenothing.livejournal.com]

a second savings account that is nonaccessible from an ATM

.... I didn't know there was such a thing. I can see how that would be useful; I'll have to look into it.

[wendolen.livejournal.com]

If you're interested in a savings account with ING Direct (http://www.ingdirect.com), let me know -- if I refer you, we both get a bonus.

[bork.livejournal.com]

At Bank of America, they're known as 'Money Market Accounts'. You can have one for Savings and/or Checking. I can access my money via phone, online banking (which I don't do; too lazy to set it up), or going to the physical bank. But not ATM. I think they gave me that option, and I declined it.

[icebluenothing.livejournal.com]

You don't do shit by halves, do you?

I try not to. :)

Live on the extremely small amount you've become accustomed to [...] until you pay off the back stuff.

That's more or less the plan. When the check from Manifesto Games gets here, paying Ahna back and getting my power back on are my absolute first two priorities, and that should still give me enough to eat Real Food with until my first paycheck.

(And when my paychecks do start coming in, I could sock away something like half of it and still be living at a substantially higher level than I'm used to.)

[gwywnnydd.livejournal.com]

I still really, really like your life philosophy of "I'd rather regret doing something, than regret not doing it".

[icebluenothing.livejournal.com]

It's generally a good philosophy. I mean, sometimes it gets me into all kinds of trouble, but it's still generally worthwhile. :)

[kaneda-khan.livejournal.com]

Ding! Living on half your income is a huge win. I finally read Rich Dad, Poor Dad and learned why I never got ahead, and neither have my parents. Kiyosaki characterizes the middle class as the people who spend their income buying liabilities thinking they are assets, which just raises their expenses until they're trapped.

[theda.livejournal.com]

I am so happy for you.

[icebluenothing.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Just knowing the job is starting has left me so nicely de-stressed.

[bork.livejournal.com]

This is good!

And we need to hang out at some point. My treat.

[icebluenothing.livejournal.com]

It is! And yes, we definitely should. I will take you up on that soon.

[kickaha.livejournal.com]

Sweet! Good news to hear. :)

[icebluenothing.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Glad to get to say it. :)

[treebyleaf.livejournal.com]

Break a leg, baby.

[icebluenothing.livejournal.com]

I've been through all this and you want me to break my leg, too?? ;)

[gwywnnydd.livejournal.com]

Drama major, remember?

She can't help it ;).

[treebyleaf.livejournal.com]

Of course... It would make a better story.

Dinner?

[wendolen.livejournal.com]

I have no idea who Manifesto Games are, but I know I've been tossing things your way when I see them, so I'll take your word for it. :)

Re: Dinner?

[icebluenothing.livejournal.com]

It was through someone named Chris Neitzert, who said he was a friend of yours, and that you'd recommended me?

Re: Dinner?

[wendolen.livejournal.com]

Okay, I do know who that is!

[pulpguy.livejournal.com]

Woot!!!

Go team U!

[evilstorm.livejournal.com]

Congratulations, both on your new life and your worldview. May I say that I am impressed by the latter.

[kaneda-khan.livejournal.com]

Now I feel maybe I wasn't crazy for what I started putting myself through. Another organism out there is using negative stimuli for conditioning...

[icebluenothing.livejournal.com]

Yeah, when you were doing all that, my reaction varied between "what the hell is he doing to himself?" and " .... yeah. Okay, I get it." So I'm sure that was in the back of my head somewhere.