icebluenothing

Spent the past two days alternating states of stumbling zombie functionality with bouts of curling up in a little screaming sobbing ball.

I'm ashamed of the fact that I never imagined that losing her could hurt this much.

Last night I ended up at retcon and treebyleaf's place, watching a movie that took my mind off it all for a little while, but my mood collapsed after that, when I realized -- here I was, movie night with Riff and tree, my life back to normal. Like it all been just a dream. Like none of it had ever happened. None of it mattered; it had all been for nothing.

I left before I could start crying again.

Drove around, aimlessly at first. I like driving. It gives me the illusion of control for a little while.

Found myself downtown, and suddenly had a goal -- I wanted to see if the great big stupid star that Bon Marche puts up every Christmas was up, yet. It was. It was absurdly comforting. That star has returned every year as far back as I can remember, lighting even the dim memories of my childhood. I went looking for a sign, last night, and found it, shining down at me, a sign that my life would continue.

Woke up this morning bathed in sunlight -- tree had opened my curtains when she was here. I found myself feeling strangely happy, almost enthusiastic about getting up, filled with thoughts about what I would do with the day.

I haven't done anything, yet.

Maybe the crippling depression of the past two days is over, at least for now. It looks like I'm back to my usual depression. Gosh, that's great.

I'm going to go out driving again, now, I think. And come home and, gods willing, work on my novel.