The Happiest Place on Earth

Please note: The narrative below might possibly be a little disjointed, and I can't guarantee the strictest accuracy. I've talked with retcon and treebyleaf about the order of things, and our memories are incomplete, and don't quite line up. What you're getting here is history, at this point, and all histories are a little fictionalized, just an attempt to impose linear order onto memories and impressions. I'm not bothered and I hope you're not, either; everything I talk about here happened, just not necessarily in the order I present it. That's all right. I'm talking about Disneyland, so I'm talking about illusions, anyway.)

---

The Disneyland Railroad was a lot more like what I wanted out of Disneyland -- fun and cheerful and just a little bit quaint and dated. It was a great way to get a sense of the scope of the whole park at once as we made our circuit around it.

Our first attraction on our trip delighted and amazed treebyleaf, because she knew it, from the dimmest of memories. She'd remembered absolutely adoring a "Prehistoricland" from her first trip as a very small child, and hadn't been able to find it since -- or find any grown-ups on subsequent trips who even knew what she was talking about. She'd been told, flat-out, that it didn't exist, but here it was, with big audioanimatronic dinosaurs in appropriately garish and volcanic dioramas.

We went all the way around the park, then stayed on past Tomorrowland again so we would end up at Main Street. We had errands to run.

treebyleaf has a co-worker named Selena, a dear, sweet girl going through some hard times lately, who had had one simple request when she heard we were going to Disneyland. She wanted Tigger's autograph. How could we refuse?

First we had to make a trip to the bank so we'd have a little more cash on hand. It's decorated in the same old-fashioned style as the rest of Main Street, and has one of those, uhh, penny-grinding machines. Do you know what I'm talking about? A little device where you put in a penny and it presses it flat and embosses a new design on the front as a keepsake. I'm used to such machines charging fifty cents or more -- but not only was this free, there was some one at the door handing out pennies just for this purpose. (What a great job! Can you imagine? "What do you do for a living?" "I give away pennies.") Very classy.

We stopped at a vendor's booth and looked for something appropriate for Tigger to sign. I believe I was the one who spotted a die-cut postcard shaped like Tigger -- perfect. The girl behind the counter complimented me on my shirt: she hadn't seen one like it. I was wearing, at treebyleaf's request, the Eeyore sweatshirt that Tiktok had bought for me years before, with the collar and sleeves cropped off.

We then set out to find Tigger, which turned out to be very simple -- he was right there in the Main Street area. We waited our turn and handed him the postcard to sign -- when he saw what it was he did an enthusiastic little end-run dance. Definitely the right choice. It's always nice when celebrities are so approachable.

We headed from there towards, uhhh, Adventureland/Frontierland/Critter Country. (I'm afraid those three sections kind of blur together in my mind.) I spotted a booth selling Disneyland cloissone pins, and stopped to pick one up for artvixn. I'd never heard of these pins before, but they're apparently a huge collecting/trading deal, and Diana had asked me to pick up a Nightmare Before Christmas pin for her. I hemmed and hawed over which one to get, worried that she'd already have whatever one I picked up, but settled on a Sally pin (which I have yet to actually give to her, still, dammit.) I also bought Lock, Shock and Barrel pins for the three of us, -- it's a motif we've used before, even dressing as the characters for Halloween, so it was a natural choice. They're neat pins, with the characters masks actually hinged to reveal the faces below. A little pricey, but worth it.

By this point I was mollified enough to consider another ride. (I'd come all this way, dammit, and I was going to go on the rides if it killed me.) We debated what to go on next -- they wanted to go on Splash Mountain, but I was hesitant. I thought I remembered going on the ride once before, and being wet and miserable. They pointed out to me, though, that I can't possibly have been on it before -- it was built long after my last trip there. (treebyleaf thinks I might be remembering a vaguely similar ride at Knott's Berry Farm, which I admit is possible.)

So off we went, on another roller-coasterish ride, and this time I actually kind of enjoyed it. Turns out that now, being able to see actually helps me be less nervous. Who knew? I did get wet, though, even though Riff had assured me we wouldn't. (Who is the greater fool -- the fool or the fool who follows him?)

I was really intrigued by the ride, and deeply, deeply puzzled as to why they would build a ride themed around Song of the South -- a movie they'd just as soon bury and forget. I came away from the ride really wanting to see it. (I know someone who should be able to hook us up with a showing of a bootleg copy sometime, which I look forward to.)

treebyleaf was actually a little tweaked out by the ride, though -- unpleasant memories of having been on it before with an abusive asshole boyfriend. But she calmed herself down by talking it out with us afterward. I hope the ride will mainly have good associations for her now.

We stopped for lunch at a restaurant treebyleaf had always wanted to try -- the Cafe Orleans in New Orleans Square. She was a little disappointed by it, actually, but happy to have finally gone. I was quite pleased -- I got fried chicken that I loved. There are so many ways to screw up fried chicken, and I can't remember the last time I actually got some that tasted as good as I thought it would, but this actually did. Magic. There was some neat live music and tap-dancing going on there, too, but it was over too soon.

After lunch, we went to Tarzan's Treehouse -- formerly the Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse. Fortunately, I'd read about this change before we left, and so we were prepared for it. As trepidatious as I was about the change, I have to admit, I was pretty intrigued by the idea of the makeover -- I mean, seriously, who gives a rip about Disney's adaptation of the Swiss Family Robinson anymore? And Tarzan was easily one of Disney's best modern animated films.

I needn't have worried -- they haven't done anything to ruin the charm of the Treehouse. And all the reworking to fit the Tarzan theme is very well done and very evocative of the film.

After that -- a wonderful surprise. I believe treebyleaf spotted this, and I'm so glad she did -- there was an art exhibit about the Haunted Mansion, including production art, early concept sketches, the works. It was great to see, for example, the stretching paintings up close, and get to linger and examine them. (There was also, to go along with their Christmas theme, a bounty of art from Nightmare Before Christmas, as well.) The exhibit was clearly put together with a lot of love for the Mansion, and it almost -- almost -- made up for the Mansion itself being closed.

Our next ride was the classic Pirates of the Carribean, and I was astonished to find that it had as much scale and grandeur as I remembered from when I was a child. I had completely forgotten the fast-ride aspects of it, and the wonderfully creepy voices ("Dead -- men -- tell -- no -- tales!!"), so it was this wonderful mix of just-as-I-remember-it and surprising-and-new.

(For the record -- I am really looking forward to the movie version of Pirates of the Carribean, and am hoping that whatever genius decided to cast Eddie Murphy in the movie version of Haunted Mansion chokes to death on a throatful of maggots. Slowly.)

Next: Thunder and Space

Thunder and Space

By this point, I was getting pretty used to the sensation of the roller-coastery fast-ride stuff, and increasingly convinced that they would not, in fact, lead to my untimely demise. So I was actually willing by now to tackle a ride I knew retcon and treebyleaf had been looking forward to, that I'd been convinced after Space Mountain I wouldn't be able to handle: Thunder Mountain.

I loved it.

This was better. This made sense. I like going fast -- ask any of the passengers of my Happy Blue Fun Truck of Death. What I don't like is being out of control, as was proved to me on an unpredictable inner-tube ride at Wild Waves last summer. But this I could handle -- since I could see the track, I could anticipate what was going to happen, and appropriately lean into the curves, and --

Hell, I'm overanalyzing. It was fast and it was fun. I couldn't believe it, but there it was. (Of course, it terrified the hell out of me each time Riff raised his arms out of the car, and nearly got his hands lopped off at the wrist by some low outcropping of fake rock, but pay it no mind.)

We wandered into Fantasyland. The It's a Small World ride was closed, as we'd heard it would be, and I somehow managed to contain my disappointment. (My fondest wish is to be allowed fifteen minutes in that ride. With a rocket-propelled grenade launcher.)

treebyleaf got another surprise, here. Mr. Toad's Wild Ride was still here and in operation -- she'd been certain she'd read that it was years gone, but here it was. Convinced she'd slipped sideways into another timeline, she sheepishly asked if we'd go on it with her, obviously worried we'd think it was too childish -- and of course we went. I "drove" -- the steering wheels do absolutely nothing, but she still didn't want to be behind one. It was fun and cute (and ends, charmingly, with a quick trip to Hell), but the best part of it all was her delight and surprise.

(My only other strong memory of Fantasyland was a dancing Pinnochio puppet in a window. From a distance, I couldn't see how it was done, and for just a split-second I thought -- well, never mind what I thought.)

We wandered briefly through Toon Town, with Riff and I stopping on the way in to pick up a couple of frozen lemonades, not realizing that they really would be frozen -- as in, absolutely-solid, my-tongue-literally-stuck-to-it level frozen. treebyleaf, who had grown up in California and knew that all such vendors keep their little carts cranked down to ludicrous sub-Arctic temperatures, was surprised that we were surprised, and a little annoyed by our complaints.

We found Toon Town pretty missable, actually -- it struck as being for really little little kids -- but I liked the design of it. I particularly liked the flat, forced-perspective "rolling hills" around it all.

We headed back to Adventureland and went on the Safari Boat Ride, which was funny and quaint and charming. treebyleaf was more than a little irritated by the patter from our tour guide -- the "script" has obviously changed a lot over the years, and has abandoned any pretext of telling a story and degenerated into, well, making fun of the ride, really. I can see her point, but I still enjoyed it and thought it was funny.

After that we went on the best ride ever. Indiana Jones.

Even the entrance to this ride is amazing -- a huge, winding archaeological dig. (I heard later that, in peak season, the line through this temple can take well over three hours, but we were able to just breeze right through it.) We got into the Jeep-like ride car and a humorless-looking attendant inspected us with a flashlight to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts. ("Ride Nazis!", I whispered to treebyleaf. The attendant did look a lot like a villain from the first film.)

There are three different paths into the ride -- or rather, I found out later, they convincingly make it look like there are three different paths -- and you have to contend with blowguns, countless skeletons, gouts of flame, a familiar huge rolling rock, aided at various points along the way by a startlingly-convincing audioanimatronic Indy.

Way, way, way cool. (Here's a detailed description of it.)

By this point, it was still early evening. treebyleaf had been right -- despite my fears, one day was going to be plenty of time to spend in the park and still see everything we wanted to see.

We started doubling back to do the things we particularly enjoyed a second time. There were starting to be lines, now, and children, as the after-school evening crowd started to filter in. We hit Thunder Mountain again, and then got right back in line to go around again. Much fun.

We knew the Parade would start soonish, so we started thinking about what we wanted to do with the remaining time until then. We talked about seeing Innoventions, which we'd skipped earlier in Tomorrowland, but it was more out of curiosity than enthusiasm. (I'm glad we decided to give it a miss; Diana tells me it's just more corporate advertising.)

I tried to suggest to Riff and treebyleaf that they go around on Space Mountain again -- I know how much they love the ride, and I was willing to just sit and wait for them -- and they misunderstood me, thought I was suggesting that all three of us go back on it. And they were so happy and delighted and surprised that I would be willing to that I wasn't about to correct them, or even let on that I'd meant otherwise. I took a deep breath, steeled myself, and found that yeah, I was willing. Yeah, I could do this. We hurried back to Tommorowland.

And you know what?

It was great.

And I realized what the difference was, what mistake I'd made -- I shouldn't have gone on it first. Now that I'd become accustomed to the other coasters, now that my body understood what was happening on these rides, I was able to enjoy it.

Notice I don't say, "relax and enjoy it." Check out this picture:

(click on thumbnail for full-sized picture)

Do please note that despite the smile on my face, my fingers have bled deathgrip-white from holding on. Heh.

I came out of there feeling like a million bucks. I live with so much fear all the time. It's always wonderful and amazing to fly right in the face of it, do what I want to despite it.

We headed back to find a place to stand for the parade. The huge Dark Crystal-ripoff sculpture at the entrance to Tomorrowland looked even better at dusk, with lit up rings of neon.

Then there was the Parade itself, which was, well, okay. This was our only real serious unanticipated disappointment of the day -- the direct result of not doing our damn homework. All three of us had been looking forward to seeing the famous Main Street Electrical Parade. We had no idea they didn't do it any more. Sure, we got a Parade, but it wasn't Electrical. There were certainly fun aspects to it -- I particularly remember the Little Mermaid float, because the girl on it was gorgeous and looked and acted much like Ariel, and because they cleverly had her inside a huge bubble (presumably "filled with water," one assumes). But overall, it was kind of underwhelming. I don't even remember if there were fireworks.

(I found out when we got back to Seattle that the Electrical Parade is still done, but has been moved to the California Adventure. Gyp!)

Afterward, we headed back to do the Indiana Jones ride again. treebyleaf noticed this time that the "inscriptions" on the walls were almost readable; I'd noticed myself the first time that they had the regularity and length of English, and surmised that they were just a simple substitution cypher, but hadn't noticed that some of the letters were similar enough to English letters to actually read. treebyleaf noticed that she could read the words better out of the corner of her eye than she could trying to look at them head-on. We managed to pick out a word or two here and there, but that was about it. Pretty neat.

(I found out when I got home that the cypher is called "Mara script". Here's a guide to the inscriptions, including translations, a cypher key, and a downloadable font.)

Diana had told us to go on this ride at least three times, and we soon learned why -- not only did we go through the different "paths," but the dialog we got over our "radio" and from Indy was totally different each time! It's a neat way to keep the experience fresh.

For our third time through, we started to head all the way back up to the start of the "line" again, and then decided not to be silly -- we ducked past a rope barricade and headed back in. A couple of pre-adolescent boys saw us and followed us, which amused the hell out of us -- I guess they figured they could get away with it, too, if the "grown-ups" were doing it. Heh.

We followed Indy with Pirates of the Carribean again, at treebyleaf's request. It was, if anything, even better the second time. I was especially delighted at the end of the ride, by the two parents ahead of us uncertainly saying, "That was kind of scary, wasn't it?" and their little little girl saying brightly "I wanna go around again!" And so they did.

When we went into Pirates, it was still a little light out; the inside of the ride presents a night sky, of course, with fairly convincing clouds; and when we left, it was now actually dark. That felt a little like magic, really.

Our last revisited ride for the evening was the Safari Boat ride. We got a tour guide who was even better than the one we had the first time around, and even treebyleaf had to grudgingly admit he was pretty funny.

Nearly closing time, now, and we started wandering out. treebyleaf had been wanting ice cream, and we stopped at an ice cream parlor in Main Street, but it was crowded, so we went somewhere else. She ended up getting something sweet to drink instead, if I remember right.

We gathered everything from our locker to go home when Riff remembered that we had one last errand -- I'm glad he remembered. We'd promised to pick up a piece of an interconnecting toy Disneyland monorail system for lokheed. Again, we weren't positive what pieces he already had -- and frankly, we weren't sure we'd found the right toys at all, and the staff was not much help -- but all went well and it turned out to be just what he wanted.

We left the Magic Kingdom and found our way back to the buses. It was one of the best days we'd ever had.